amy came into town this weekend. it was good to see her and spend some time catching up on the important things. she made magnets and i made her a quilt. saw the 25th hour - i'm still not sure what the point of that movie is, but whatever. i won't be changing my name to "naturale" for a while. hmm...it's monday and it's 4th of july week. hooray! that means i only have to work today, tomorrow, and wednesday before i am set free at donner lake.

george harvey went on vacation this weekend. gone friday and still not back as of 6:25am today. that either means a) he has friends/family that he is visiting, or b) he had to get rid of the body. i am hoping for the former.

NEWS OF NOTE: thanks to george bush's tax cut, i have received $9 more on this month's paycheck. since i get paid once a month, that's $108 per year. whoopty frickin' doo.

it's weird...i get these ideas over the weekend for blog entries, and by the time i sit down to blog them, i forget what i was going to blog and i end up typing up some smorgasbord of random things that have no significance whatsoever.

someone emailed me this weekend asking for the song list for my ballpark classics cd. if i had that cool hit counter like jenny, i could see how the person found my site. perhaps he was searching on google for "ballpark classics" in hope of finding hotdogs but instead he found my blog entry. ha! speaking of hot dogs, if you only do one thing today, go to this web site. i cannot believe that someone invented the octodog, a revolutionary way to slice-n-dice your hot dog so that it looks like (you guessed it) an octopus. funky!

in case any of you are interested, here is the playlist (because i don't think i ever posted it). remember, all of these songs were heard at an actual baseball game:

1. the baseball charge
2. funk soul brother - fat boy slim
3. day-o - harry belafonte
4. blue suede shoes - elvis
5. groove is in the heart - dee lite
6. another one bites the dust - queen
7. bugle call
8. i saw her standing there - the beatles
9. pump up the volume - marrs
10. separate ways - journey
11. the final countdown - europe
12. better off alone - alice deejay
13. cotten-eyed joe - rednex
14. bugle reveille
15. la bamba - ritchie valens
16. imperial march - john williams
17. gettin' jiggy with it - will smith
18. independent women - destiny's child
19. sledgehammer - peter gabriel
20. the chicken dance
21. we will rock you - queen

thanks to not martha for pointing me to the tacky living web site. i am SO going to make an abandoned car pot. it's just so funny and tacky all at once. and, at my boss' request, i am SO keeping it at my desk so everyone can see it. i am going to win the white trash cubicle award, i'm sure. but first, i am going to attempt squash yoga.

ok...the friday five:

1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
working as usual, with a few trips to reno, a trip to orlando, a scuba adventure in monterey, and some surprise for my birthday that my boyfriend won't give me the details on. jam packed summer, eh?

2. What was your first summer job?
working for codikow, lenventhal, and carroll - entertainment lawyers whose office was located in beverly hills on camden drive. it was cool. their clients were people like kurt cobain and courtney love, mike judge (creator of beavis and butthead), house of pain, pauly shore. cool job!

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
see number one.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
when i think vacation, i think fun, not frustrating. i've never had a bad vacation. i've had a few bad roadtrips though. argh.

5. What was your best vacation ever?
it wasn't really a vacation, but spending 5 weeks in china was one of the best experiences i have ever had. i am hoping this year's trip to cancun will be the best vacation.

ok, ok, so i changed my blog template with absolutely no warning. how many people don't like it? i like the chimp. i was tired of having a blog template that matched the rest of my site when people only go to my blog and not the rest of the site.....if all you're going to see is the blog, it might as well look nice. or at least i should think it looks nice.

here's the kicker: i have finally created a css template that only works in mozilla! hip hip hooray! if you're viewing this site in internet exploder, it will never look right. ha.

yesterday afternoon george harvey himself came up and made a formal introduction. "my name's [insert something here]. we've never formally met." he reached to shake my hand. EEW. i reach back out of courtesy. "i'm kat." he said, "kat? that's it?" and i said, in a cool, hollywood-aspiring voice, "yeah. just kat." hello!? like i am going to give him my ssn and driver's license number too or something. he doesn't need to know my last name. then, thinking he was clever, he said, "well there's a cat sign across the street (a vet's office) so that makes sense." and i said, "yeah, it makes it easier for people to find 'just kat'." then i raced up the stairs and scrubbed my hands. EEW! perhaps you're wondering why i didn't remember his name - well first of all, he mumbled it. second, i was so terrified and distracted by his nasty brown stubby teeth that i couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. i know, i'm no hercule poirot.

on a lighter and much happier note, last night was the tracy chapman concert. i've always had a short list of artists i like/have liked so much i just have/had to see in concert once in my lifetime.

u2
pearl jam
red hot chili peppers
toad the wet sprocket
tracy chapman
fleetwood mac
tom petty and the heartbreakers
recent additions: norah jones and john mayer

i think i'm doing pretty well! anyhow, last night i went into the concert with pretty high expectations, since i've been a tracy chapman fan for years. to be perfectly honest, she met and exceeded my expectations. she's a great performer. oh man. last night has got to rank in my top 5 concerts ever. the show was at the house of blues, and the las vegas HOB is a lot cooler than the nawlins HOB. garrett and i had a lot of fun singing along and watching tracy and her band.

her set list included the more famous singles, like "fast car," "baby can i hold you," "give me one reason," and "telling stories." for me the highlights of the show were "the promise" - both garrett's and my favorite song on the new beginning cd - and "talkin' bout a revolution" from her debut cd. in addition, she did covers of "house of the rising sun" and "get up, stand up," both of which kicked ass. the show just proved what a talented woman she is. she produced the sounds i know and love effortlessly and she smiled the entire time. i love tracy chapman!!!

today i found an article on google news full of reviews supposedly from kids who read the new harry potter book in under 4 days. i am convinced that all of these but the first two were written by the parents, not the kids.

i'd like to point out a few things.
1. 11 year olds do not use the words immensely, macabre, and vanquished.
2. 15 year olds do not use the words ominous, monochromatic, flourishes, idiosyncrasy, scant, tantalizingly, and formulaic.

does anyone know anything about the blogathon?

seems like some event where (for one day only) you blog for 24 hours to raise money for a charity of your choice. i am not clear if you must be blogging each hour on the hour or what. i don't know if there's a donation link people can click or if they judge the amount by number of comments or what.

any info is welcome. this sounds like a cool thing we can all do to help people out. let's research it! the blogathon is july 26, so we have a little bit of time to figure this stuff out.

pamela anderson has requested a no-nudity clause in the contract for her animated self, "stripperella."

eh...

she's already been seen having sex with her ex-husband by anyone who downloaded or purchased the video....and she's posed for playboy...and she walks around half-naked in public...but her cartoon self can't be naked even though she's a stripper?!

important note: i'm not advocating cartoon nudity, just pointing out the punchline.

what is it about mondays that makes them so f**ked up?

after waiting 2 weeks for a referral to go through so i could get a doc appointment, the lady set me up for last friday at 8:15am, which i couldn't make because i was java-ing. so i changed my appointment to the 24th. APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT TODAY.

i told my boss i'd be late because i had a doc appointment, drove halfway across town in morning traffic to get there by 7:15am for my 7:30am appointment...and was told by the lady behind the counter that i needed to come back tomorrow. this made me angry for one reason above all others - i tend to be quite good at remembering dates and times. i always have engagements and never keep a day planner or palm pilot to organize them. so when i screw up, i get angry at myself for segfaulting.

i decided that since the doc was one block away from my eye doctor, i'd try to drop off my frames so the eye doctor can put my updated prescription lenses in. i got to the eye doctor's office at 7:22am. they open at 7:45. grr. so i just hopped on the freeway and drove to work with everyone else in town (who apparently all had to be to work by 8). maybe it's just me, but when i am on the freeway, i prefer not to be in 2nd gear for miles at a time. grr.

then i walked into work and my co-workers talked to me. usually this would be a good thing, but when i'm pissy, i don't like to be talked to. so i decided i'd feel better if i blogged about it. and here it is.

and now i'm done.

and i feel the slightest bit better.

after seeing the brain usage profiler quiz on unix gal's blog, i just had to get my profile. the weird thing is that the company who owns the site is located 1.26 miles from my house. ok, onto the results:

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 61%
Visual : 38%
Left : 65%
Right : 35%

i was surprised to see that i am so auditory. this puts me at a distinct disadvantage because, as most of you know, i am constantly saying, "what? huh?" i did, however, know i am left-brained. i'm too anal to be right-brained. take the assessment test. how do you use your brain?

ok. my fears have been confirmed. a shark was caught on a california pier. that means at the beach. where people swim. get this - it was a 200 pound great white. smaller than jaws, but like him nonetheless.

now something even more creepy...i just finished reading alice sebold's book the lovely bones. for those of you who haven't read the book, it's about a murder. well the guy who murders the girl in the book IS my new downstairs neighbor. i swear. he fits the typical murderer/rapist/child pornographer profile. he is white, in his mid to late 40s, single, and drives a beat up old chrysler new yorker (that's the creepiest part) and his welcome mat has a creepy font too. this past sunday he was outside getting something from his car when i pulled into my parking space. i had just gotten home from an early morning trip to the gym (not my routine) and i had picked up a few groceries on the way home. he said, "you work the night shift, eh?" and i said, "nah. just wanted to get some stuff done before everyone's out...especially the gym." after i said that, i realized that he could be fishing for information about when i am home. then i started to freak out. i gave him too much information. now i am kinda worried. he is SO george harvey.

ok. i am shivering into the friday five:

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
naturally straight, with occasional waves. it had been down to my butt before i cut it last year. at the moment it's halfway down my back.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
when i was little it was very curly, but it's always been brown. i permed it once and i highlighted it once, but hairdressers still get excited when i walk in and call it "virgin hair," which they apparently love to play with.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?
back in a bun or braid. i used to part it in the middle but now i brush it straight back.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
um.....i actually (for the first time in my life) like my hair. i'd make it a bit longer and ultra-healthy and shiny and full of body like those hair commercials on tv.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
um....well my hair frizzes uncontrollably in humidity, so i'd say i had a 5-week hair disaster while i was in china last summer.

ok, so what exactly does the term "hook up" mean? last night i saw an advertisement for a new tv show called paradise hotel, in which contestants remain at the hotel only if they manage to "hook up" with someone that specific week.

i always thought the term "hook up" referred to casual sex, but in this case i am hoping i am wrong. i cannot imagine a television show where the goal each week is to have sex with someone new so you don't end up being voted off.

i have seen this term used to mean kissing before, but think about this: is a new year's party, where everyone kisses at midnight, one giant "hook up"? see what i'm getting at here? do you think people use this term because they enjoy a wide variety of meaning and wish to be less specific, or because they think it means one or the other?

i think it definitely implies casual/non-committal. if it didn't, people would say things like, "yeah, i hooked up with my husband last night." or maybe people do say that, but i've never heard it.

what does this term mean? bueller? bueller?

nope. not talking about coffee here. i'm in java training all this week. so there i sit, surrounded by programmers and unix geeks, the only rep from my department - because i think this is my ticket out of my department. you know, reorg and all...need a new skillset apparently.

anyhow, after sitting for just 2 days in this java class, i have gone from curious to frustrated to confident and back again. it's a bit frustrating, having no programming background at all. sure i can do PHP and a little bit of perl, but those are technically "scripting" languages. so while the instructor talks about how such and such is similar to C, and how such and such is different than PL/SQL, i sit. a blank slate.

i'm picking it up fast. faster than i thought i would. the floating point stuff confuses me, but i'm already a master at loops - the one thing PHP and java do similarly - so that helps. i have written about 8 or 9 tiny contrived java apps. of course they are not glamorous or useful, but they compile and run, and for that i am grateful. so wish me luck as i sit through 3 more days of "quick! learn to program in 5 days so you can transfer to another department!" training.

hopefully i'll be able to use java to make stand-alone executable doo-dads for you guys. right now i can print stuff to the screen and do math. woo-hoo (hear the sarcasm).

and now for some news: download copyrighted music and the government will destroy your computer. charming.

woo hoo! i love mc escher, and just look at google!!!!!

(and when they remove it, it's here)

i have made myself a list of places i want to visit and things i want to do before i die. of course i will be adding to this list as i find more things i'd like to do...

places to visit:
europe
hawaii
washington, dc
new orleans
mexico
yosemite
china
australia
new zealand
lake tahoe
africa
bahamas
new york city
canada
catalina
monterey
tahiti
the grand canyon
seattle
belize
fiji

things to do:
graduate from college
stand atop the eiffel tower
visit jim morrison's grave
try to make a guard at buckingham palace laugh
stand on the great wall of china
attend a real hawaiian luau
read to a blind person
take a swing dancing class - and finish it
finish my thesis
attend anne rice's vampire halloween ball in new orleans
learn to bellydance
take a sculpture class
go to a better than ezra concert with chris k
speak french in france (or speak french to a person in paris over the phone)
make a mosaic
climb a 5.11
run a 10K
attempt gymnastics in a real gymnastics gym
ride a mechanical bull
dive the blue hole in belize
attend mardi gras
be a radio dj
see the famous christ of the deep
learn to ride a motorcycle
interact face to face with a chimp
take a self-defense class
learn more mandarin chinese
learn to wakeboard: get up (and stay up)
learn a martial art
run a half marathon
run a marathon and finish in < 7 hours
learn to cook
bake a pie from scratch
visit as many of the U.S. national parks as i can (11/52 visited to date)
learn at least 3 programming languages
make a quilt
finish my reading list
become good at one sport
go on a safari
save a life
take a cooking class
ride in a hot air balloon
learn to do yoga
get a brazilian wax
buy a house
learn asl
hike half dome
see toad the wet sprocket in concert
go ice skating at rockefeller center in winter when the xmas tree is up
visit the smithsonian
see the rocky horror picture show performed live at a theatre
tour the white house
see a live cirque du soleil show
train a seeing eye dog
win something on the radio
perfect my fudge recipe
go parasailing
swim with dolphins
ride a jet ski
learn to golf
bungee jump
get married
participate in the nielsen ratings
own a giant trampoline
attempt the trapeze
win a jackpot
sing karaoke
learn to scuba dive
see a shark on a scuba trip and not freak out
mud wrestle
attend a laker game
see RENT on broadway
have kids
win a prestigious award
swim with whale sharks
be a contestant on a gameshow
complete an entire crossword puzzle on my first try IN PEN!
dream in B movies (like amanda)
go wine tasting in napa valley
answer phones at a telethon
score 150 in a single bowling game
profit from my own internet scheme
drive cross-country in a winnebago with my closest friends
run a 5k
become a mensa
work for google
visit the met in nyc
serve thanksgiving dinner at the mission
adopt a child
have my very own library

as most of you know, i have refused to watch the news since bush was elected and this whole "war" thing started. well, today at the gym they had both cnn and msnbc on the televisions, and i took a look at the graphics that were used on the screen.

"war on terror"
"crisis in the middle east"

i'll address the "war on terror" graphic first. terror is not the same as terrorism. terror is defined by webster as:

1. a state of intense fear
2. one that inspires fear, a frightening aspect, a cause of anxiety
3. violence (as bombing) committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands

the first two are being perpetuated by our government and news media. they are constantly attempting to make americans afraid of the boogeyman so that we will give up our civil rights in exchange for safety and so that we will settle for an oligarchy instead of democracy. is the war on terror then a war on our government and our news media?

the last definition does apply here - violence committed to have demands met. the most recent demand bombers and militant groups seem to have is for the u.s. to go home and stay out of middle eastern affairs. why won't we oblige them? if we do, the boogeyman will go away and the american people may once again have a voice. they'll wake up and see what the president has done in the past 3 years he's been in office. unemployment is up, the economy is in shambles, the budget has gone from surplus to deficit, social security has been robbed to pay for the "war," and the united states is now hated more intensely by the rest of the world.

now the graphic "crisis in the middle east" - perhaps the most misleading of them all. there has been religious war between israelis and palestinians for years; some would argue for centuries. since the u.s. championed the united nations' creation of the country of israel in 1948, there's been a more intense problem. how many u.s. presidents have met with israeli and palestinian leaders in attempts to make peace? the word "crisis" makes the problem sound recent and urgent. i think a more appropriate graphic would be "eternal saga of violence continues in the middle east."

here's an interesting article addressing the "peace process" and its effects.

i just got 2 tickets to see tracy chapman in concert!!!!!!!!
Wo0t!

ah.....friday the 13th. notorious for bad luck, but i always have good luck on these days. ok, on with the friday five.

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
play with a baby chimpanzee.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
i am almost always honest, but sometimes i try to find a balance between my opinion and their opinion.... ie. if it looks really bad and they like it - i say, "well, i am glad you like it." my biggest personality flaw is my judgemental nature, so it's best not to accentuate that, you know?

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
yep. if i told you, you'd wish you hadn't too. don't ask.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
hmm. how about the monster city in monsters, inc....after they start making kids laugh instead of scream. james sullivan looks so cuddly.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
to play guitar and piano very well. i am ok at guitar but suck at piano.

on saturday, while i was waiting for my plane to arrive at the gate, a short asian lady came over to me and started pointing at the chair next to me and smiling. i guess i look approachable, because her ticket jacket said "speaks no english" and yet she tried to communicate with me.

of course, as i've been home from china for less than one year and i (confess) i have a difficult time distinguishing between japanese, chinese, vietnamese, and korean people judging solely by appearance, i asked her, "mandarin?" thinking i could speak to her if she understood. she shook her head...and i realized she just wanted to sit next to me so i could help her.

i nodded and she sat down. when the plane came and we lined up, i looked back and she understood - she got up and stood right behind me. then i helped her put her luggage in the overhead and she sat with me on the plane. i ordered water for her when the flight attendant took drink orders and she got out her passport and showed it to me to introduce herself. it was a vietnamese passport. i couldn't have spoken to her if i tried.

when we landed in san jose, i got her luggage back down and guided her down to the baggage area. her ride wasn't there, so i helped her call the person on my cell phone. when the man finally found her, she said the only thing she knew in english, "thank you, thank you." i was glad to help, but the whole thing made me think about something - i have tried to pick up a few words or phrases in many languages. i speak french fluently, very little asl, a little mandarin, a little spanish, and i know 11 words in japanese. none of these have helped me recently when i've needed to communicate with a stranger here in the u.s.

so i have thought about it and i have decided to make a laminated card that i can keep in my wallet. on the card, i will keep a few key phrases in several languages. i can include spanish, french, japanese, chinese, vietnamese, korean, asl, german, russian, etc. it will be fun to see which languages i end up needing. i think this will help me to feel more confident when someone who speaks little english needs my help.

in addition, if this card becomes ultra-useful, maybe i can sell them. haha.

do any of you have other ideas?

i mean, seriously....

15 minutes on the phone
sand
lost glove
"custom made" vampire killing kit
human skull, in pieces
riot control vehicle
a scottish island

At Heathrow Airport recently, an individual was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing
calculator. He was later discovered to be a public school teacher.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

the day before i left for my san jose trip/training, i called my friend to make sure she was still available for fun over the weekend. she said she was and she asked me if i was "feeling adventurous." of course, i answered yes, and she proceeded to tell me that there was to be a bachelorette party the night i arrived and the bride-to-be said i was more than welcome to come along.

it was in san francisco, and club-hopping and an overnight hotel stay were part of the festivities. it sounded good, so i accepted. then my friend popped the question: "are there any adult stores in vegas?" please. there's one on every corner (i love hyperbole) and i pass one everyday on the way to work and on the way home. i said, "yes, what do you need?"

i ended up going to the store with my favorite task master lisa and picking up a little bachelorette goodie-bag for the bride-to-be. the morning of my flight, i packed the adult contraband in my carry-on suitcase and g dropped me at the airport. little did i know that the darned murphy's law guy was with me...

sure enough, you guessed it, i was pulled aside in the screening line and told that my bag needed to be hand searched. i had never had that happen. must have been the contraband. of course every screener in my line was a man, and each one was old enough to be my grandfather. so i said to the man, "feel free, but i'm going to a bachelorette party, so you've got to promise not to be more embarrassed than me when you open it." he smiled and said, "i've been around the block. i'm sure it'll be fine."

so he sifted through flavored body paint, feather ticklers, edible underwear, etc. i bet he was thinking, "sure it's not for you, you perv!" he couldn't find the object that came up on the x-ray, so as we packed up my bag, he said, "i didn't see anything in there that was embarrassing." and i responded, "maybe it was hidden in the stack of clothes."

so i survived. and maybe one day when i take my personal bag of tricks on a plane (my choice of mate has already told me he won't carry such a bag through an airport), i can lie and say, "i'm going to a bachelorette party."

anyhow, lynelle and i drove to sf that night and we met the girls at the sir francis drake hotel downtown. i was excited about the location - i still remembered all of the streets from my trip in february, so i became the official navigator.

the bachelorette party was centered around this event called "3 babes and a bus," a huge tour bus that (for a fee, of course) transports you and your group to 4 nightclubs. we met at a club circa 8:30 and we got back around 1:30am. 5 hours of clubbing. phew. we were all quite tired. needless to say, fun was had by all.

monday and tuesday i had flash training. since my hotel was 1.6 miles away from the training center according to mapquest, i got a bit of good exercise because i decided against a rental car. who wants to pay the extra each day for being under 25 anyway? isn't there a 2 month grace or something?

training was good. i had the same instructor that i'd had for dreamweaver in february. i had already taught myself most of what we learned in this class, but i learned a few new things that made the trip worth it, like ultra-cool pop-up menus and how to make regular images into vectors.

a highlight from the weekend was eating dinner with my friend and her hubby at a groovy little place called chipotle. there's one being built across the street from work and my boss is dying to go there. i tested it out and it is very tasty. the burritos are so huge, it's tough to eat them. yummy.

overall, a great weekend, but it's good to be back!

i really dig this week's questions. better late than never.
the friday five:

1. How many times have you truly been in love?
"truly" changes. according to my current definition of truly: one.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
he's everything i want and everything i never knew i wanted.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?

funny, smart, caring, trustworthy, loyal, secure, mature, driven, adventurous....the list goes on.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
i'm ashamed to say yes.

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?
to love someone else, you must first love yourself.

i went to the hospital again yesterday to see my mom. she's doing well. we're hoping she'll be released today. thank you for your concern, blog readers!

i've been thinking lately - either my life is boring or i am just unobservant these days, but i seem to have little to blog about. however, today you're in for a treat, because i happened to be somewhere (i forget where exactly) lately and notice an advertisement for some cheesy bobble head thing. i guess companies and sports teams are putting their mascots on these things. they've even got a jesus bobble head.

it's weird - i am convinced that some businesses are now inventing mascots just so they can give away bobble heads. the bobble heads have overtaken ebay too.

i am convinced that only really weird people work at bobble head world and the bobble head store. can you imagine looking around and seeing nothing but nodding heads around you? how creepy is that?!

i can't believe they were bobbled:
anna nicole smith
eminem
simon cowell
saddam hussein
spam can
the osbournes
"w" (his head really does this!)
statue of liberty and nypd fire/police
the original boy scout
tiny tim
keith richards

why can't they bobble someone i'm fond of, like linus torvalds or rob malda? hee hee. just kidding.

why is it that 18 wheeler drivers always wait until i (the only car coming in the fast lane) am very near and going 85mph before they move over at 60mph to pass the 18 wheeler in front of them?

aaaaahhhhhhhh!

they're lucky i don't keep a gun in my glove compartment, let me tell ya.

i swear i must have said this at one point in my life. it's so me.

"i'm not going to spend hours fluffing my hair and applying animal-tested makeup to my face just so i can turn myself into some male-fantasy, degrading, kewpie doll...you know, unless i, you know, really like the guy."

--sandra bullock, two weeks notice

talked to my mother this morning. she is excited about her surgery. couldn't be happier.

i don't know what is more wrong. her being excited to be cut open or this link.

oh, and happy monday to keep minds occupied...i'm OS/2Warp.

Which OS are You?

tomorrow is my mom's surgery. tuesday is my grandma's funeral.

i feel listless, anxious, and completely drained all at once. i can look at myself from the outside enough to worry. this is how i felt when i was depressed all those years ago. i lost too many people between my 11th and 18th birthdays. i don't want to experience that again. it's a lonely and worrisome place to be.

i am not comfortable with the grieving habits i have developed. i am silent about the death itself and i tend to have little to no energy. i sleep until it passes. this can't be healthy. but i'm not about to go out and run a marathon either. so i blog?